Here we stand: our 10 truths


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Dr Bristow’s Big Night In — Tue 1st Nov

Dr Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go launches a the Custard Factory theatre Wednesday 9th Nov and we hope you’ll all come along to give the film as much sark and snark as you have. With our unique tweet-o-vision (patent applied for as soon as we work out how to do it) your best twitter lines will be projected onto the film for the whole audience to enjoy.

But how does it work? Well here’s a little opportunity to find out from the comfort of your sofa, on Tuesday 1st November from 7pm the Bristow crew will be watching the television and tweeting the hell out of it. You can follow @DirtyBristowMag and @probablydrunk and @bounder or the hashtag #DrBTV to enjoy it and please, join in.

Here’s our schedule:

7pm BBC One: The One Show
It’s part Nationwide, part Wogan, part TVam all crap.

7:30pm Channel Five: Real Food Family Cook Off
Real people, Channel Five? You get the deal.

8pm BBC Four: Richard Wilson Learns to Drive
I don’t believe it.

8:30pm BBC Four: Blackpool on Film
We went to Blackpool recently, it’s a hell hole.

9pm BBC Three: Don’t Tell The Bride
Should be called Don’t marry this idiot.

10pm BBC Two: Later Live with Jools Holland
With boogie woogie piano.

10.30pm BBC One: Imagine: Grayson Perry
The hairy potter.

And then the Twitter equivalent of the little white dot and the “ooooooooo” noise.

Get the beers, the popcorn and your Twitter-search primed.


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Win free movie tickets with Dr Bristow

Doctor Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go is showing only the best terrible movies, and invites the audience to relax, jeer and tweet along as he uses top-secret cold-war technology to project the tweets into the film itself. This has never been done in England before and he wants you to come and check it out.

The first movie is Showgirls, here, see:

Doctor Bristow is committed to serving you, the viewing public, only the finest fresh cut snark hand delivered from the Internet, this isn’t just twitter sarcasm this is Doctor Bristow sarcasm. Which is why he is bringing back Tweet Of The Week.

To guarantee only the highest quality tweeters the good doctor will be inviting the best tweeters that month to come to the next event FOR FRICKKEN FREE.

If you have seen a tweet that has the shine of the long knives, as brutal as a headbutt, or simply funny as all fuck and deserves to be nominated, simply retweet (old-style, you know so you can add stuff) with the hashtag #drtotw.

Dr Bristow himself will be checking the hashtag each week and before the next event and the three people deemed winners* will be given a free ticket to the next show. One lucky nominator (pulled from the virtual hat) gets a freebie too.

yours

The Bristow Boys

*Doctors decision is final, he’s a doctor for chrissakes – he knows what he’s doing.

We’ll also have games and a surprise supporting feature. Tickets on sale now, with special early-bird offers.


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Dr Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go — The Dirty Bristow Film Club

So, there’s this new thing:

FlixFixer is Social Cinema at the Custard Factory Theatre. It allows you to choose movies you love, find a venue to screen them and invite friends, family or other like-minded film-lovers to share in a screening where you set the rules – be it dress-up, dress down, no hats or no food. It allows you to build a community of friends around your shared love of movies and get together regularly to celebrate that. We screen here on Wednesdays… or you can screen here whenever you want.”

And so we’re taking advantage of it, we present the montly: Dr Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go.

Because you're smarter than the cinema

Let’s be honest, the best thing about so called ‘event television’ is following the cruel, cynical Twitter crowd as they snark, shout, and shoot down the spectacle with devastating accuracy and sly humour. X-Factor, Eurovision and even the bloody Royal Wedding were all made, not only bearable, but endlessly entertaining by the techno hive-mind. Although Pippa Middleton’s arse helped the last one.

The good Doctor Bristow thinks that we shouldn’t have to wait for the next flavour of the week to fall onto the TV table, and the laser intensity of Twitter’s hard stare can be turned onto the Hollywood clunkers we all know and are mostly indifferent too.

Giving movies the collective gang-kicking they thoroughly deserve, the team behind Britain’s most inappropriately named magazine invite you to limber those tweeting fingers, sharpen those tongues, and come down to the Custard Factory where we will be dragging in a cinematic sacrificial lamb for you to tear apart.

Utilising our unique Tweet-o-vision the audience is invited to add its own commentary to the film offerings, with games, prizes and enough snark to sink James Cameron’s Titanic, Doctor Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go is the cinema that not only allows using your mobile when the film’s started, but demands it with craven fist.

Bringing together the joy of cinema and the cruel wit and wisdom of the crowd Doctor Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go is a movie experience of the future. Showing the very best, worst and oddest cinema the last hundred years has to offer; forgotten classics, shoddy blockbusters, and vintage screen burps all get the thrashing of their life from you the viewer and the rest of the crowd of equally-cynical culture junkies.

It’ll be a bit like this:

Our first victim will be Showgirls—Robocop Director Paul Verhoven’s tale of tits and tails in the *murky* world of Vegas dancing. There’s stripping, fighting, Wall Street-esque greed and Agent Cooper from Twin Peaks tupping Jessie off of Saved By The Bell in a jacuzzi.

Winner of 8 Razzies: Worst Actress, Worst Director, Worst New Star, Worst Original Song, Worst Picture, Worst Screen Couple, Worst Screenplay and 2000′s Worst Movie of the Decade.

We’ll also have games and a surprise supporting feature. Tickets on sale now, with special early-bird offers.


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Five reasons you should get a copy of Issue Two — Beast

We’ve hundreds and hundreds of copies of Dirty Bristow Issue Two — Beast all ready to go, and this is what it looks like.

But what’s actually in there? We asked a few people who, for one reason or another, have seen it for their favourite bits.

Craig Hamilton, record-company mogul behind Commercially Inviable Records (who gave us a ton of advice on the cover tape) says:

“As someone who really, really wants a pig, I loved Hamish Dolphin’s How To Cook A Cassolet. If I had pigs I’d name them, tho’.”

Julia Gilbert, who braved a My Little Pony convention for us loved Mark Steadman’s A Love Story In Large Print:

“A painfully honest account of the embarrassment of falling in love. The author may be surprised to learn that we’ve all all done many cringe-worthy things in front of someone we fancy, blind or not. Single ladies queue here.”

Co-Editor Jon, who turned in a piece confusing ‘the English disease’ and the Spanish Civil War that was so long the accompanying illustrations didn’t fit, picks Cam Docherty’s Bawjaws:

“It’s the sweetest, most gentle, thing we’ve ever published and combined with Shona McQuillan’s soft artwork style it’s beautiful. On first read it might be mistaken for a children’s story, and maybe it is but it has a real depth. It’s a tale of loss, loneliness and libraries—add love in there and it may well make you weep.“

Danny found his interview with an Otherkin was relatively easy to write but tracking someone down willing to talk to him was in his own words ‘the ballache of the year’. His pick is Tom Lennon’s Mythical beasts of Birmingham.

“It’d be a cliche to say how difficult it was to pick my highlights because they’re all so good wouldn’t it? I’ll just say that Tom’s piece is top quality funny and writing from a fresh local talent given room to write something that probably wouldn’t fit elsewhere. With frankly jaw dropping illustrations from Nigel Lowery, it’s why we started the magazine in the first place”

And tutor on the Facebook Degree™, Jon Hickman just gets it for the pictures:

“I thought the illos were amazing this time around. Great last time too but next level issue two”

Order online here. It’s also available at a few outlets in Birmingham: Urban Coffee, Nostalgia and Comics and Brewsmiths.


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